I am giving you all fair warning that this post is going to be a bit…graphic.  Well, maybe not that graphic but it’s going to be interesting.  OH, and it will be hilarious.

I was thinking the other day about how my wife and I are going to be having kids someday.  Nothing right away but we talk about it and we know we want them and are going to give it a whirl soon.   But all the talk and blogs I follow about having kids made me start to think about all the funny moments that are going to happen while raising our hypothetical (and phenomenally good at snowboarding) kids.

I have always heard of the story of the kid (probably 2 or so) that reaches down his/her diaper and then comes out with a nice hefty handful of their own poop.  Some parents that are reading this are probably nodding their heads and thinking of the time that this story happened to them.  They may remember it like how some people remember where they were when they heard JFK was shot or what they were doing when the WTC towers fell.  I guess it’s something you don’t forget.  The other parents are probably dreading this day or praying to whatever God they believe that this not happen to them ever.

My story in my head is similar to this one.  However, knowing that this child is made up of 50% of me, it’s not going to be that simple of a story.  Here is what I am picturing happening.

(sounds of us traveling to my dreamland)

I am in the kitchen doing…something.  Dishes, cooking or grabbing a bee…soda from the fridge.  I come around the corner to see my child standing there before me with peculiar look on their face.  I notice that they have their right arm extended WAY away from their body and in the air as to say “DUDE, this stuff is RANK!”  I notice that the right hand is covered in their own poop and that there is evidence that there was an attempt to wipe it off on their clothes.

Oh and by the way, my kid can walk in this story.

Where were we…oh yeah, arm extended and quizzicle look on my child’s face.  I scan from the hand down the arm and all the way back to their face but then notice that there is something on my child’s lip.

Moment of hesitation.  Probably about 2 seconds.

I crunch the data in my head and then realize what it is.  I don’t smile.  I don’t laugh.  I can’t even say a word.  Immediately, I begin throwing up right there on the floor.  I am not able to make it to the kitchen sink or the bathroom (cause I don’t want to run over the child with the poop and scare them) and I don’t even care about finding a garbage can.  I unload right there on the floor in front of my child.

I then pick him/her up and proceed to the bathroom to clean them up.  While walking to the bathroom (pale faced) my child looks at me as if saying “It’s okay daddy, I would have done the same thing.”  While cleaning up we have a bonding moment and I think about what the EFF just happened and just LAUGH MY ASS OFF.  My wife comes home from wherever she was and I tell her the story and she teases me about it for years to come.  However, my child and I have this moment that we shared (sick and twisted) and it is something that he/she and I laugh about for years.

Now I don’t know this will happen but I know TONS of funny things will happen while raising children.  If this does, I am going to proclaim after the whole incident happens that I can see the future and that this moment was a total FTW!